making Martha Stewart proud

as you’ve probably noticed, i am simultaneously an unclean person and someone who desires above all to be seen as clean and hygienic. i have a few tricks up my sleeve when it comes to battling the many stains, smells, and bacteria garnered throughout my misadventures. cancer itself is very messy and also necessitates that i be extra vigilant about hygiene, lest a rogue sneeze end up killing me. thanks to Hodgkin’s, i have bled, sharted, farted, sweat, and oozed on just about everything i own. here’s how i still manage to keep my belongings smelling clean and looking pristine.

Good Ol’ H2O2

will get bloodstains out of ANY fabric and prevent the need for amputation from piercing your own ears drunk at 3 in the morning. they say not to put this on healing piercings/or scabs. THEY ARE WRONG.

Folex

What Jesus would use to turn wine stains back into white carpet. this black magic formula works on vomit (of any color), three year old urine stains a pro carpet cleaner deemed “hopeless”, ink, ash, berry, tomato, coffee, and all other bodily fluids. smells like marzipan and naturally derived.

Fresh Wave

i find febreeze to be as suffocating as mustard gas, so this is a great alternative. actually and naturally neutralizes odors without covering them up and comes in every sort of form imaginable. absolutely fantastic at eliminating weed smell. i use for laundry, vacuum, car, home, fabric, etc!

huggies natural care plus wipes

i haven’t yet installed TUSHY (boy, do I want one. perhaps i’ll do a review…), but these are the next best thing to a bidet. i have found Huggies to be the softest, most cushioned of hypoallergenic baby wipes. frequent trips to the toilet have left my anus more raw than corned beef (explore my litany of physical ailments here) and the added aloe and vitamin E in this line go a long way. can be used for a whore’s bath, sticky fingers in the car, or wiping your dog’s butthole so he doesn’t scoot on the custom white rug. do not under any circumstances flush these, as tempting as it may be. your living room ceiling will collapse and rain a deluge of sewage water onto the $40,000 custom couch your Mother loves. invest in a sealed, bagged mini garbage to keep near the commode instead.

method antibac all purpose cleaner

kills 99.9% of househould germs without smelling like most products that do. naturally derived so it’s safe for your pooch or you to eat that rogue meatball off of the floor in that spot where he just so happened to barf last Tuesday.

P.F. Candle co/black fig

guaranteed to neutralize the smell of poop, pee, or the painted shutters you accidentally set on fire (and leaned on the wall, which proceeded to burn off the drywall). notes of evergreen, mission fig, and spice. strong enough to fill a large room.

method all purpose cleaning wipes/french lavender

okay, so these aren’t anti-microbial in and of themselves, but i like to use them in conjunction with your regular bleach wipes. after a Clorox wipe down, these non-toxic natural ingredients inhibit microbial growth and are safe enough for skin/food contact without irritation. it’s got my 4 favorite scents: lavender, bergamot, purple sage, & chamomile. and they’re industrially compostable!

dr. bronners pure castile soap

a must-have for any home. consider this the Swiss Army Knife of soaps. you can use this on yourself, your pets, your floors, your clothes, your friends! biodegradability optimizes occasional outdoor disposal. Dr. Bronner’s has a full line of cleaning/personal products, like their amazing hand sanitizer, mentioned here. my personal favorite scents are Peppermint and Lavender, for hard surfaces and personal cleaning, respectively. this is also the only soap that i find works well as shampoo for me, besides the dog shampoo i share with my Rottweiler.

white vinegar

vinegar is naturally anti-microbial. technically, you can clean your entire house with it, if you don’t mind the slight smell. add to laundry for easy disinfection without scalding hot water. soak feet in a vinegar bath for 30+ minutes to combat athletes foot, odor, and general crustiness; finish with a little stone loofah and some lotion. bam. your feet are gorgeous and soft as a baby’s.