NECESSITIES

consider this a sort of “What’s-In-My-Bag”, if my purse were actually bottomless, like it just so happens to seems whenever i urgently need a piece of gum. listed below are a few of my ride or die essentials, which have become especially important since my diagnosis. i generally prefer to keep things au naturale—without smelling like patchouli—as i suffer from a litany of sensitive jew conditions such as irritable bowel, eczema, seborrhea, and the overall constitution of a wan victorian woman. my body especially enjoys putting on its own production of The Princess And The Pea whenever any sort of foreign material enters my system, be it orally, inhaled, absorbed, or suggested during polite conversation. if you’re a moody, lazy Basic White Girl who still smokes a juul and eats doritos, but refuses to use anything with preservatives or parabens, this list is for you!

Burt’s Bees Cuticle Cream

another naturally derived product that smells amazing and does its fucking job. i attribute my uncontrollable cuticle picking habit to my perfectionist character with a side of compulsive repetitive body focused behaviors, but that doesn’t have to be a death sentence for my nail beds. this stuff works especially well for all the frequent hand washing and dry chemo knuckles.

ROLL-ON Auracacia oil

never suffer from a pungent vayinyah again. not that I’VE ever had that problem (my little guy queefs glitter and Flowerbomb by Viktor Rolf) but, you know, just in case. no, but really, give yourself a swipe to the skin folds (NEVER THE INSIDE, LADIES) in the general perineal area and you’re sure to receive compliments. did i mention how much i hate showering? always do a patch test first and make sure you get that organic blend. comes in a variety of flavors so it’s a real choose-your-own-adventure experience.

Squatty Potty

I usually spend AT LEAST 30 minutes on the toilet every time i have to poop. this miracle worker has made constipation and hemorrhoids a thing of the past. adjusts your posture in order to make the process go more smoothly. 10/10 would die for. if you’re too cheap for this or don’t want your luxury bathroom looking like a handicap stall, use a stack of phonebooks i guess.

Pacifica Deodorant Wipes

you’re getting off of a 3 hour flight, rolling at a music festival, too depressed for real hygiene, or perhaps congenitally excessively smelly. meet your new best friend. the coconut scent is divine and works like a charm. pro tip: i like to give my “inguinal” area a swipe from time to time to avoid laundering my Lululemon’s (don’t sue me if you get a rash—this applies to every suggestion). personally, this has really helped with eczema and ingrown hairs when the idea of showering, aka having to condition my hair for 20 minutes, is just too damn daunting. fits in your purse, which is great for those long nights at the club that end up getting a little sexy.

Espa Lip Balm

petrolatum FREE, which is important, because, in case you haven’t heard, petrolatum comes from petroleum...you know, that nonrenewable energy that’s ruining the environment and giving us all cancer. works better than any lip moisturizer i’ve ever tried and it smells like pomelo, which is an orgasmic combination of orange & grapefruit. conditions the lips to baby soft levels with shockingly clean ingredients. try their lip treatment too!

Spry Xylitol Floss

hey, did you know most floss companies coat their product with the same stuff they use to coat non stick pans? this stuff is coated with xylitol, a cavity fighting chemical for getting into those hard to reach places. it’s also soft and thicc as hell, giving it great flossing integrity.

Acure Dry Shampoo

THE BEST DRY SHAMPOO OUT THERE. for when you’re too depressed to wash your hair, but vain enough to care.no more weird residue or baby hooker smell. she is refreshingly minty and creates amazing texture without too much buildup or irritation/itch. take it from someone who knows—my scalp is more temperamental than Christian Bale on set. also available in brunette if you’re the “smart & ethnic” type.

Dr. Bronner’s Hand Sanitizer

she’s organic, she smells like heaven, and she won’t trigger memories of the vodka you drank in high school. win/win, I’d say. also not as drying when compared to purell/bleach. also comes in PEPPERMINT! can you believe?

patchology on the fly kit

i NEVER pass up on the opportunity for a face mask. my neighbors might be convinced i’m in some kind of KKK social club, but what can i say, i love a good sheet mask. these ACTUALLY WORK and serve as the perfect foil to icky airplane air. i stepped off a flight to Charles de Gaulle looking like a newborn lamb and feeling like a reborn human. also works great for post chemo or hangover hideousness.

Grapefruit Seed Extract

ugly bottle, gorgeous results. recommended to me by a very wise woman. ameliorates a variety of ills, thanks to its natural anti-microbial properties. i use it for nausea, poo poo issues, and defense against the dreaded urinary tract infection. put a couple of squirts in your water—it actually tastes like grapefruit. this stuff is the only serum i have which doesn’t make me feel like lying down in front of a moving semi.

Gin-Gins

nausea be damned. delicious and nutritious (sort of). can be used as an alternative container if you happen to smuggle your weed gummies internationally. allegedly. speaking of gummies, the candied form is also delightful and never too sweet.